Jane J asked:
I have been in this relationship for six years, three of it married. When I met him, he was going through a bankruptcy for a dot com he had started after he left a mid level position at a software company. We lived in a little town at this point in time where the economy was not very vibrant and we made a fine living there, but only in comparison to the economics of scale. Both frustrated with what life had to offer us there, we moved half way across the country to a town of 70,000 people. He continued with the small business he had started and tried to make it grow – mostly with money borrowed on my credit cards. He racked up $13,000 worth of debt on a credit card of mine that I didn’t even know that he was using. I was called by the credit card company because it had gone over limit with no payment. This was many years ago, and of course I was livid. But not livid enough to leave. I stayed and supported him in this business of his that has never turned a dime. I thought that he had finally come to terms with the notion that he saw that he was toiling away 60-70 hours a week at a business that was not worth it, but his ego has the best of him and he cannot see that it is never going to be a viable business. He keeps working on new ideas, going to venture capital conferences, etc to keep this thing alive – but in reality I support him. He makes less than a gas station attendant although he has an mechanical engineering degree and is a database website developer. It has been six years. I went $45,000 in consumer debt to finance this business. I make about $65,000 a year and can pay my bills without him, including the debt payments. (Although, if divorced I would hope that there could be some sort of payment plan, although I don’t count on it since he hasn’t been able to make payments on that debt while we are married.) The house is in my name because his credit was bad and I typically make the mortgage payment myself.
The complicated thing is that I love this guy. We think on the same level, we both enjoy the same things. We are avid whitewater kayakers, back country skiers, and mountain bikers. He is funny and charming and I love spending time with him. But I have lost my patience concerning our finances, as I see that he is a bit of a lunatic in the belief of this business of his. The question is, do I leave or stay? I am leaning towards leaving as the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and to expect different results and I keep expecting him to change – and I don’t think he can. Any thoughts on this matter?
Bessie
I have been in this relationship for six years, three of it married. When I met him, he was going through a bankruptcy for a dot com he had started after he left a mid level position at a software company. We lived in a little town at this point in time where the economy was not very vibrant and we made a fine living there, but only in comparison to the economics of scale. Both frustrated with what life had to offer us there, we moved half way across the country to a town of 70,000 people. He continued with the small business he had started and tried to make it grow – mostly with money borrowed on my credit cards. He racked up $13,000 worth of debt on a credit card of mine that I didn’t even know that he was using. I was called by the credit card company because it had gone over limit with no payment. This was many years ago, and of course I was livid. But not livid enough to leave. I stayed and supported him in this business of his that has never turned a dime. I thought that he had finally come to terms with the notion that he saw that he was toiling away 60-70 hours a week at a business that was not worth it, but his ego has the best of him and he cannot see that it is never going to be a viable business. He keeps working on new ideas, going to venture capital conferences, etc to keep this thing alive – but in reality I support him. He makes less than a gas station attendant although he has an mechanical engineering degree and is a database website developer. It has been six years. I went $45,000 in consumer debt to finance this business. I make about $65,000 a year and can pay my bills without him, including the debt payments. (Although, if divorced I would hope that there could be some sort of payment plan, although I don’t count on it since he hasn’t been able to make payments on that debt while we are married.) The house is in my name because his credit was bad and I typically make the mortgage payment myself.
The complicated thing is that I love this guy. We think on the same level, we both enjoy the same things. We are avid whitewater kayakers, back country skiers, and mountain bikers. He is funny and charming and I love spending time with him. But I have lost my patience concerning our finances, as I see that he is a bit of a lunatic in the belief of this business of his. The question is, do I leave or stay? I am leaning towards leaving as the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and to expect different results and I keep expecting him to change – and I don’t think he can. Any thoughts on this matter?
Bessie
Ted
Maybe you should gently tell him that you dont think this buisness is working and you arent going to fund it anymore and he might be able to keep it as a “hobby” but he needs to get a real job and help with the bills and stuff
Shannon
I would say that first you have to express to him in your voice how all of this has made you feel. He has to understand your point of view without feeling threatened. Tell him how you are really feeling about the future of his venture and explain to him your concerne for your future and your future together. He has to hear your heart on this. Then allow him to process what you have laid at his feet. A real man will evaluate if the business is worth losing your love over. I think he will make the right choice for him if you explain it that way. He may not choose you, but then that may be the right choice for both of you.
Gregory
I would cut off the funding for his business. You have helped him out as much as you could… but you can’t continue anymore. I don’t know if you have to be so drastic as divorcing him, but just talk to him and tell him that you can’t support this business anymore because it is killing your credit and your finances. If he can’t understand that then all you can do is ensure that your finances are not available to him. You should tell him that you have been carying the brunt of all the bills for long enough and he needs to contribute to the household. Then you just have to do it. Take his name off of any credit cards you have and make sure that your money is kept safely in an account he can’t access. Then he will see how much you are contributing and that if he wants to continue this career choice he needs to get a job to finance his business dreams. If it means that much to him he can continue trying to get it to work… but the difference is he has to fund it… NOT YOU. He needs a job and to face reality.
If you think about it this way… you are willing to break up/divorce someone you genuingly love and care for. The only reason you want to leave (based on your answer) is because of finances. Take that out of the equation. Use some tough love and take away your financial support and tell him it’s because you don’t want a divorce, but if you continued giving in it would lead that way.
Good luck!
Ernest
you definetly need to have a serious conversation with this man….you may love him….but love dont pay the bills. Marriage needs contribution from both members…..in all area’s…..including financial. It sounds as if he is pinning all his hopes on this one dream…..but living that dream for you is a nightmare financially and importantly enough is creating a split between you that could be the ruin of your lives together…..and leave you with an empty wallet for some years to come. Yes…..he could hit the big time……and make some serious money…..but it sounds as though if he hasnt made it by now….he probably wont. Some people buy lotto tickets every week…..and never win the big one…..sounds like this may happen to him….even though he works hard….he isnt thinking about it logically…..and its taking its toll on you and your relationship….wake up girl….you are thinking about ending it….its time for either (or both) some marriage counselling and business planner to look at just what your husband is doing wrong Good luck : )