Jane J asked:


I have been in this relationship for six years, three of it married. When I met him, he was going through a bankruptcy for a dot com he had started after he left a mid level position at a software company. We lived in a little town at this point in time where the economy was not very vibrant and we made a fine living there, but only in comparison to the economics of scale. Both frustrated with what life had to offer us there, we moved half way across the country to a town of 70,000 people. He continued with the small business he had started and tried to make it grow – mostly with money borrowed on my credit cards. He racked up $13,000 worth of debt on a credit card of mine that I didn’t even know that he was using. I was called by the credit card company because it had gone over limit with no payment. This was many years ago, and of course I was livid. But not livid enough to leave. I stayed and supported him in this business of his that has never turned a dime. I thought that he had finally come to terms with the notion that he saw that he was toiling away 60-70 hours a week at a business that was not worth it, but his ego has the best of him and he cannot see that it is never going to be a viable business. He keeps working on new ideas, going to venture capital conferences, etc to keep this thing alive – but in reality I support him. He makes less than a gas station attendant although he has an mechanical engineering degree and is a database website developer. It has been six years. I went $45,000 in consumer debt to finance this business. I make about $65,000 a year and can pay my bills without him, including the debt payments. (Although, if divorced I would hope that there could be some sort of payment plan, although I don’t count on it since he hasn’t been able to make payments on that debt while we are married.) The house is in my name because his credit was bad and I typically make the mortgage payment myself.
The complicated thing is that I love this guy. We think on the same level, we both enjoy the same things. We are avid whitewater kayakers, back country skiers, and mountain bikers. He is funny and charming and I love spending time with him. But I have lost my patience concerning our finances, as I see that he is a bit of a lunatic in the belief of this business of his. The question is, do I leave or stay? I am leaning towards leaving as the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and to expect different results and I keep expecting him to change – and I don’t think he can. Any thoughts on this matter?

Bessie

James D asked:


Eighteen year otherwise wonderful 2nd marriage for both. Her kids. My kids. She is a professional woman making $60,000 a year. Seperate finances except for joint expenses like mortgage and household expenses. She’s still paying off student loans for two of her adult children who are now well off. Her oldest is a 37 year old fowl up son for whom she insists on assuming a new student loan. I learned she went to Credit Counseling but claimed owed only about $21,000 in debt. There she signed a usurous contract without reading it to obtain reduced payments to creditors. I finally got her to list everthing she owed. I believe she was truly shocked when the real total was reached. Has a long history of secrecy, late payments, creditor calls, etc. Otherwise is a kind, giving, sensitive honest rational woman. We’re 60+ yrs old. I’m retired with limited income . I don’t understand and I don’t know how to deal with this. Do I talk with a lawyer, a psychiatrist? Help!

Natalie